A few months ago, my parents let me get a puppy!! I’ve never owned a dog of my own and decided to rescue one from a local animal shelter. Bella came into the shelter as a stray and I adopted her two days after the shelter picked her up. She’s such a cuddle bug and is full of energy. I love her so much!
Last week I “graduated” from a 9-month DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group… THANK GOD. Boy was it a long 9 months. I learned so much over that time period and am thankful not only for the wisdom and knowledge I gained, but also for the friends I made. My psychiatrist is the one who “made” me sign up for group and I have to admit, I was quite skeptical about the whole thing. To be frank, I thought DBT was a bunch of fluff and bullshit. I’m happy to say I was wrong. The skills I learned in therapy have helped me beyond belief. I also met some incredible women who are so brave, strong, and resilient. As the group leader would say, “YAY DBT!!”
I just realized it’s been a year since my last blog post; I am so sorry! Life has been hectic per usual. In the past year, I’ve switched jobs TWICE. It’s so difficult to find a job that doesn’t require a college degree and which pays decently. I haven’t returned back to school and I feel awful about it. I am starting to think maybe college isn’t something that was meant for me. Being away from home has never done me any good; every time I move away, my mental health tends to suffer and the risk of that happening again just isn’t one I’m willing to take. I left college with enough credits to be a senior, and as much as I’d like to finish and get my degree, I have to step back and ask myself if the risk is worth the reward. The job I have right now is decent. It’s not what I want to continue to do the rest of my life, but it’s good for now. Would I rather be a school counselor? Of course. But maybe it’s just not meant to be.
TW: Sexual Assault
It’s been almost four months since I was sexually assaulted. I remember the exact date, what I was wearing, the weather outside, and where I was going the day it happened. There’s still a selfie on Instagram that I took a few hours before I was assaulted. That photo serves as a reminder of how quickly life can change. How could someone who looked so happy be crying and screaming a few hours later? Sexual assault is extremely traumatizing. Honestly, sometimes I regret ever filing a police report. I had to tell my story so many times that it was mind-numbing. I haven’t been updated on my case in a few months and I know my assailant is still out there; he called my name in Walmart two months ago and I didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. Living in fear is exhausting and quite paralyzing. I wish I could talk with my therapist about the assault but I feel too traumatized to even do that.
No One Said Therapy Would Be Easy
Lately, therapy has involved a lot of me staring blankly into space. I feel like such a waste of my therapists time and of my parents money. I wish I could dissociate less and make therapy more productive, but sometimes I feel like I can’t speak. It’s like my brain freezes and the thoughts won’t come out. It’s so frustrating. My therapist really wants to help me but that means I have to actually talk to her…which is hard. It’s hard to tell if therapy is even beneficial anymore. I’ve been in therapy since high school and I’m starting to think maybe I’ve taken from it all that I can. My parents are questioning whether therapy is something they should keep funding, which scares the shit out of me. I’m so scared of my therapy being taken away and that I’ll dissociate even more if I’m not in therapy. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep seeing my therapist. Until then, my fingers are crossed.
Yoga is amazing. I’ve been taking classes for the past few months and it’s definitely helped calm my anxiety. A friend helped me find a trauma-informed yoga studio, and I’m so glad she did. My yoga instructor is fantastic. She always asks before assisting and gives many different options when it comes to poses. In addition to group classes, I’ve also taken a few private lessons which have helped me feel safer and regulate my breathing. If you haven’t tried trauma-informed yoga, I definitely recommend it.
Car Crashes Suck
A few weeks ago, I was in a car accident. I was on the way to my psychiatry appointment when a car blew through a red light and cut in front of me going about 45 mph. I had the green light and wasn’t able to brake in time, causing my air bags to deploy. Thankfully, I was wearing my seat belt and got cleared by the hospital an hour later. (The other driver was okay too.) My car was totaled and as a result, I’m fully dependent on others for transportation. I really want to be able to drive again, but at the same time, I’m terrified to get back behind the wheel. I tense up whenever I’m in a car and can’t even watch cars go by without imagining an accident occurring. My therapist said I’ve probably been traumatized due to the amount of accidents I’ve been in, and that it’s something I’ll have to work on in therapy. I just hope I’ll feel less scared by the time I’m able to buy a new car.