On Wednesdays, We Get Physical Exams

Next Wednesday I have a doctors appointment and I’m already thinking of cancelling. I have an exaggerated startle-reflex resulting from past trauma and am more than anxious about having my yearly physical. I’ve been seeing a pediatrician for the past 21 years and am extremely nervous about seeing a new doctor, despite my therapist speaking with her beforehand. Meeting with an internal medicine doctor translates to Pap smears, pelvic exams, breast exams, and all the usual vital signs being taken. I’d rather have a child puke on me than be laying half-naked on an examination table. Thats how nervous I am. Thank God I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow.

– Voices –

A Poem About Living With an Anxiety Disorder

I am a prisoner of my own thoughts

A slave to my brain

Anxiety and fear loom over me like a gigantic wave, ready to crash at any moment

I live in a constant state of worry

What if

What if

What if

So many thoughts flood my mind and then vanish before I can comprehend them

I feel like I’m going crazy

It’s tiring

Pretending I’m okay

Pretending there aren’t a million voices in my head

Fighting for control over my consciousness