Go Patriots!!

Last week I attended transfer orientation at George Mason University and it was awesome!! I’m pretty ecstatic about the whole thing, because I never thought I’d be able to return to a 4-year university. I’ll be honest, I’m a little nervous and anxious about returning to school. I haven’t been to a 4-year institution in 2 years and it’s a little daunting. On the other hand, I’m extremely excited and feel more ready than ever to dive into my major and earn my Bachelors. After meeting with my advisor, I learned that I can graduate in as little as a year and a half with not only my B.A., but also a double concentration. How amazing is that?!

Pomp and Circumstance

Tomorrow I am traveling down to visit my sister, who is graduating from college. My sister is younger than me and I was set to graduate two years before her. I know it’s going to be an emotionally exhausting weekend and I am not prepared. Of course I feel happy and proud for my sister, but I simultaneously feel sad, bitter, and angry that she’s graduating college before me. I feel especially upset that mental illness held me back from achieving my goal of graduating in 2017. My sister (lets call her M.) gets to celebrate her achievement with her peers, while I got to watch all my friends cross that stage without me. I feel in a sense, forgotten by a lot of my friends, who seemed to disappear from my life after college. While some of the tears I’ll shed this weekend will be of happiness for my sister, I’m sure many will be of sadness for what could’ve been.

Grad Szn

It’s that time of the year again; graduation season. Time to hop on social media and see pictures of all my college friends getting their Master’s degrees. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy and proud of them for completing graduate school! My friends are amazing, smart, and talented people whom I have nothing negative to say about. It’s just difficult to watch them earn their second college diploma, when I don’t even have my Associates. My brain tells me I “should” be getting my Master’s this year. In a sense, I feel like I failed myself by taking two years off from school when in reality, it was what I needed to do for my mental health. It’s hard to take a step back and really evaluate my situation. Living with mental illness is beyond difficult and if I hadn’t withdrawn from school when I did, I would’ve probably ended up in the hospital. I’m proud of my friends and I’m also proud of myself. I’m proud that I’m now in a better place and am returning to school in the fall. While returning to college may not seem like a big deal, to me it’s a tremendous accomplishment.

Another Year Has Passed..

Hello Lovelies,

I haven’t posted in over a year and I feel awful about it. I intended to post at least once a week and clearly fell behind. My apologies! Life is going well. My mental health is vastly improving, therapy is tough (but what’s new), and I’m completing my Associates degree in July! YAY! I never thought I’d graduate from college because of mental illness, but I’m doing it guys! It’s so important to remember that life isn’t linear and that’s ok.  Graduating later than expected is nothing to be ashamed of. Strive for progress, not perfection.

Welcome Home Bella!

A few months ago, my parents let me get a puppy!! I’ve never owned a dog of my own and decided to rescue one from a local animal shelter. Bella came into the shelter as a stray and I adopted her two days after the shelter picked her up. She’s such a cuddle bug and is full of energy.

Group Therapy

Last week I “graduated” from a 9-month DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group… THANK GOD. Boy was it a long 9 months. I learned so much over that time period and am thankful not only for the wisdom and knowledge I gained, but also for the friends I made. My psychiatrist is the one who “made” me sign up for group and I have to admit, I was quite skeptical about the whole thing. To be frank, I thought DBT was a bunch of fluff and bullshit. I’m happy to say I was wrong. The skills I learned in therapy have helped me beyond belief. I also met some incredible women who are so brave, strong, and resilient. As the group leader would say, “YAY DBT!!”

It’s Been a Year…

I just realized it’s been a year since my last blog post; I am so sorry! Life has been hectic per usual. In the past year, I’ve switched jobs TWICE. It’s so difficult to find a job that doesn’t require a college degree and which pays decently. I haven’t returned back to school and I feel awful about it. I am starting to think maybe college isn’t something that was meant for me. Being away from home has never done me any good; every time I move away, my mental health tends to suffer and the risk of that happening again just isn’t one I’m willing to take. I left college with enough credits to be a senior, and as much as I’d like to finish and get my degree, I have to step back and ask myself if the risk is worth the reward. The job I have right now is decent. It’s not what I want to continue to do the rest of my life, but it’s good for now. Would I rather be a school counselor? Of course. But maybe it’s just not meant to be.

#MeToo

It’s been almost four months since I was sexually assaulted. I remember the exact date, what I was wearing, the weather outside, and where I was going the day it happened. There’s still a selfie on Instagram that I took a few hours before I was assaulted. That photo serves as a reminder of how quickly life can change. How could someone who looked so happy be crying and screaming a few hours later? Sexual assault is extremely traumatizing. Honestly, sometimes I regret ever filing a police report. I had to tell my story so many times that it was mind-numbing. I haven’t been updated on my case in a few months and I know my assailant is still out there; he called my name in Walmart two months ago and I didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. Living in fear is exhausting and quite paralyzing. I wish I could talk with my therapist about the assault but I feel too traumatized to even do that.

The Sound of Silence

Lately, therapy has involved a lot of me staring blankly into space. I feel like such a waste of my therapists time and of my parents money. I wish I could dissociate less and make therapy more productive, but sometimes I feel like I can’t speak. It’s like my brain freezes and the thoughts won’t come out. It’s so frustrating. My therapist really wants to help me but that means I have to actually talk to her…which is hard. It’s hard to tell if therapy is even beneficial anymore. I’ve been in therapy since high school and I’m starting to think maybe I’ve taken from it all that I can. My parents are questioning whether therapy is something they should keep funding, which scares the shit out of me. I’m so scared of my therapy being taken away and that I’ll dissociate even more if I’m not in therapy. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep seeing my therapist. Until then, my fingers are crossed.

Namaste

Yoga is amazing. I’ve been taking classes for the past few months and it’s definitely helped calm my anxiety. A friend helped me find a trauma-informed yoga studio, and I’m so glad she did. My yoga instructor is fantastic. She always asks before assisting and gives many different options when it comes to poses. In addition to group classes, I’ve also taken a few private lessons which have helped me feel safer and regulate my breathing. If you haven’t tried trauma-informed yoga, I definitely recommend it.