Sleeping With Both Eyes Open

Content Warning/Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault

It’s been two whole days since I was assaulted. I can’t stand looking at myself because every time I do, I can almost see his hands touching me. I’ve finally gotten myself to brush my hair but I refuse to put it up or run my hands through it. That’s what he did. He played with my hair. Massaged my head. Rubbed my neck and back. Kissed my forehead and hand. Slid his hand up my leg. I feel so dirty. No matter how many showers I take or how hard I scrub my skin, I still feel him. I can still smell his breath, even when I’m not in my car. I look at my car and can almost see his face. His voice still rings clear in my ears. I can still see his cunning smile. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I feel disgusting. My pj pants have drawstrings. His pants had drawstrings. All I want to do is sleep and cry but I hate crying and it’s nearly impossible to sleep.

D-Day

On Wednesdays, We Get Physical Exams

Next Wednesday I have a doctors appointment and I’m already thinking of cancelling. I have an exaggerated startle-reflex resulting from past trauma and am more than anxious about having my yearly physical. I’ve been seeing a pediatrician for the past 21 years and am extremely nervous about seeing a new doctor, despite my therapist speaking with her beforehand. Meeting with an internal medicine doctor translates to Pap smears, pelvic exams, breast exams, and all the usual vital signs being taken. I’d rather have a child puke on me than be laying half-naked on an examination table. Thats how nervous I am. Thank God I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow.

“Just Let It Happen”

A few days ago, while at work I overheard some male employees joking about rape. One mentioned how it wouldn’t be rape if you “just let it happen”. I’m sorry, WHAT?! No one asks to be sexually assaulted or willingly complies with it. Regardless of what we’re wearing, drinking, or doing, we’re not at all asking for it. 

Life After Adoption

Love shouldn’t hurt…

Nine times out of ten, when asked to share an interesting fact about myself, I’ll default to “I’m adopted”. Being adopted has become an integral part of my being regardless of if I like it or not. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it’s difficult for me to reassure kids that their parents will come back. My birth parents abandoned me on a street corner when I was nine months old. Not only was I abandoned, I was also abused by my adoptive parents. I believe if someone loves you, they’ll never leave you or hurt you mentally, physically, or emotionally.  There’s no way of knowing if life would’ve been better if I wasn’t given up for adoption, and it’s something I think about on an almost daily basis. 

I Choose Recovery Because…

Choosing Recovery is Choosing Life

  1. Life with an eating disorder isn’t really living… it’s dying
  2. To be able to enjoy eating, instead of dreading and obsessing about it.
  3. So I can learn to live in the moment, instead of with negative and degrading thoughts in my head
  4. To be able to wear a bikini and form fitting clothes out in public, without worrying about what others may think of my body
  5. No more keeping secrets about food and no more lying about what I did or didn’t eat
  6. I want to know what it feels like to be genuinely happy
  7. I have to be recovered from my eating disorder in order to help others who are struggling
  8. I want to be able to love myself and accept all my flaws and imperfections no matter how big or small they are
  9. To have the courage to use my own voice and speak my mind, instead of letting my ED do all the talking
  10. So I don’t isolate myself from others as much
  11. To have a regular menstrual cycle
  12. To stop aiming for perfection and realize that perfection doesn’t exist
  13. To have a healthy attitude toward exercise
  14. If I keep engaging in ED behaviors, I may jeopardize my chance of having a child in the future
  15. I want to be able to live my life to the fullest
  16. To be able to make mistakes and not beat myself up over them
  17. To realize risk taking is ok and part of life
  18. To be more in tune with my body’s wants and needs and to honor them
  19. no more shaking, feeling cold all the time, no more dizziness and better concentration, focus, and memory
  20. When I’m recovered, I won’t let the number on the scale dictate how my day is going to go, how much I should eat and how I should feel
  21. I won’t let clothing sizes bother me
  22. I want to be able to go out to eat with my friends without worrying about whether they think I’m eating too much
  23. I want to be able to eat dessert without feeling guilty about it
  24. Being recovered means..no more meal plans
  25. I want to eat intuitively
  26. I want to be able to inspire others to fully recover from their eating disorder
  27. I deserve to recover just as much as everyone else does
  28. I want the freedom to do what I want, when I want and on my own terms!! I don’t want to keep living as eating disordered
  29. To be able to speak my mind, without worrying about what others may think of me.
  30. I want to be more daring
  31. To be able to find my own voice and use it
  32. To have more confidence in myself and my abilities.
  33. To be able to accept a compliment and believe every word of it
  34. I want to be more spontaneous and less rigid about how I live
  35. I am more than a number.
  36. Treatment centers are no fun to be in. I rather be in college making new friends
  37. Becoming recovered from an eating disorder is something to be very proud of and something I’ll never regret

 

 

 

– Voices –

A Poem About Living With an Anxiety Disorder

I am a prisoner of my own thoughts

A slave to my brain

Anxiety and fear loom over me like a gigantic wave, ready to crash at any moment

I live in a constant state of worry

What if

What if

What if

So many thoughts flood my mind and then vanish before I can comprehend them

I feel like I’m going crazy

It’s tiring

Pretending I’m okay

Pretending there aren’t a million voices in my head

Fighting for control over my consciousness

Reasons Why Not to Watch 13 Reasons Why

A Critique of the Netflix series: Thirteen Reasons Why

-Suicide should never EVER be used as a plot device. Doing so is in a way sensationalizing mental illness.

-Suicide is not anyone’s fault. Guilt tripping others into thinking they drove someone to suicide won’t make that person come back.

-The show graphically depicts rape, sexual assault, and suicide.

-Suicide is never the answer but the show depicts it being an effective way to get people to own up to their actions. Suicide isn’t about revenge. It’s about feeling so broken and hopeless, that you come to believe the only way to escape the pain is by ending your own life. When you see yourself as a constant burden to yourself and others, suicide can be seen as a way to end not only your suffering, but also the suffering of those around you.

-13 Reasons portrays the therapist in a bad light, which can lead to people not wanting to seek professional help when they need it most.

-There are very few (if any) content/trigger warnings or information embedded in the show describing how to help someone suffering from mental illness.

-Suicide is portrayed as an effective attention seeking method instead of as a devastating result of mental illness.

-Clay implies that he could “love” Hannah out of suicide when that is impossible. You can’t “love” anyone out of mental illness.

-In the show, Hannah essentially became popular after her death; again, glorifying suicide.

-There are other ways to increase awareness of depression, suicide, and mental health that don’t involve a show that uses suicide as a plot device.