It’s been almost four months since I was sexually assaulted. I remember the exact date, what I was wearing, the weather outside, and where I was going the day it happened. There’s still a selfie on Instagram that I took a few hours before I was assaulted. That photo serves as a reminder of how quickly life can change. How could someone who looked so happy be crying and screaming a few hours later? Sexual assault is extremely traumatizing. Honestly, sometimes I regret ever filing a police report. I had to tell my story so many times that it was mind-numbing. I haven’t been updated on my case in a few months and I know my assailant is still out there; he called my name in Walmart two months ago and I didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was. Living in fear is exhausting and quite paralyzing. I wish I could talk with my therapist about the assault but I feel too traumatized to even do that.
No One Said Therapy Would Be Easy
Lately, therapy has involved a lot of me staring blankly into space. I feel like such a waste of my therapists time and of my parents money. I wish I could dissociate less and make therapy more productive, but sometimes I feel like I can’t speak. It’s like my brain freezes and the thoughts won’t come out. It’s so frustrating. My therapist really wants to help me but that means I have to actually talk to her…which is hard. It’s hard to tell if therapy is even beneficial anymore. I’ve been in therapy since high school and I’m starting to think maybe I’ve taken from it all that I can. My parents are questioning whether therapy is something they should keep funding, which scares the shit out of me. I’m so scared of my therapy being taken away and that I’ll dissociate even more if I’m not in therapy. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep seeing my therapist. Until then, my fingers are crossed.
Yoga is amazing. I’ve been taking classes for the past few months and it’s definitely helped calm my anxiety. A friend helped me find a trauma-informed yoga studio, and I’m so glad she did. My yoga instructor is fantastic. She always asks before assisting and gives many different options when it comes to poses. In addition to group classes, I’ve also taken a few private lessons which have helped me feel safer and regulate my breathing. If you haven’t tried trauma-informed yoga, I definitely recommend it.
A few weeks ago, I was in a car accident. I was on the way to my psychiatry appointment when a car blew through a red light and cut in front of me going about 45 mph. I had the green light and wasn’t able to brake in time, causing my air bags to deploy. Thankfully, I was wearing my seat belt and got cleared by the hospital an hour later. (The other driver was okay too.) My car was totaled and as a result, I’m fully dependent on others for transportation. I really want to be able to drive again, but at the same time, I’m terrified to get back behind the wheel. I tense up whenever I’m in a car and can’t even watch cars go by without imagining an accident occurring. My therapist said I’ve probably been traumatized due to the amount of accidents I’ve been in, and that it’s something I’ll have to work on in therapy. I just hope I’ll feel less scared by the time I’m able to buy a new car.
I apologize for going AWOL and not posting in a while! Life has been busy. Since I last blogged, I’ve survived my physical exam as well as a few family therapy sessions. I hope all is well with you guys. I have to go to work soon but I’ll post again later today; I promise.
Future topics to look forward to include but are not limited to… my car accident (I’m okay!) and therapy. Stay tuned!
On Wednesdays, We Get Physical Exams
Next Wednesday I have a doctors appointment and I’m already thinking of cancelling. I’ve been seeing a pediatrician for the past 22 years and am extremely nervous about seeing a new doctor, even though my therapist spoke with her beforehand. Meeting with an internal medicine doctor translates to various exams and tests that may feel invasive and that to me, seem rather scary. I’d rather have a child puke on me than be laying half-naked on an examination table. That’s how nervous I am. Thank God I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow.
A few days ago, while at work I overheard some male employees joking about rape. One mentioned how it wouldn’t be rape if you “just let it happen”. I’m sorry, WHAT?! No one asks to be sexually assaulted or willingly complies with it. Regardless of what a person is wearing, drinking, or doing, they’re not at all asking for it.